John J. Robinson in his book Of Suchness gives the following
advice on love, sex and married life. "Be careful and discreet; it is
much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate,
it's heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour daily hell
that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the most bitter things
in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one,
you know it in your heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment.
But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person headlong into blind
acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much. This is especially true
if one drinks and get befuddled; the most lousy slut in a dark bar can
look like a Venus then, and her charms become irresistible. Love is much
more than sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and
a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up."
Problems
Almost everyday we hear people complaining about their marriages.
Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people
reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that
marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as
one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated and people must
remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face
problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or
experienced hitherto.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that
marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to
ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by
minimizing whatever differences they may have between them. Marital
problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful
married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband,
for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf
husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
Sharing and Trust
One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and
mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse due to
lack of understanding.
Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another
and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion,
suspicion leads to jealously, jealousy generates anger, anger causes
enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life,
they can console each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the
wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure. There
will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they will have to
face. They must have the strong will power to reduce their burdens and
misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will give them confidence
to live together with better understanding.
Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems
and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear
and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is
someone who is willing to share another's burden.
Blinded by Emotions
When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best
aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a
good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind and hence
people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of
each other's natures.
In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling
qualities to the other, and being so engrossed in love, they tend to
accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the
darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any
personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to
speak, so as not to jeopardize their chances of winning each other.
People in love also tend to ignore their partner's faults thinking that
they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live
with these faults, that "love will conquer all."
However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off,
the true nature of each other's character will be revealed. Then, much
to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so
far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to
expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion
sets in.
Material Needs
Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone.
The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet your
material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it,
no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the
saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the
window." This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage
work. However, if one has the basic necessities of life provided through
a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be
removed from a marriage.
The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete
understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the
value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and
share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing
life partnership.
Pre-marriage Advice
The Anguttara Nikaya contains some valuable advice which the
Buddha gave to young girls prior to their marriage. Realizing that there
could be difficulties with the new in-laws, the girls were enjoined to
give every respect to their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, serving
them lovingly as their own parents. They were expected to honor and
respect their husband's relatives and friends, thus creating a congenial
and happy atmosphere in their new homes.
They were also advised to study and understand their husbands'
natures, ascertain their activities, characters and temperaments, and to
be useful and cooperative at all times in their new homes. They should
be polite, kind and watchful of their husbands' earnings and see to it
that all household expenditures were properly administered. The advice
given by the Buddha more than twenty five centuries ago is still valid
even today.
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